10 tips for coping with grief
For those dealing with grief, whether it’s recent or not, the holidays can stir up many emotions. Maybe a loss seems heavier, or sadness or loneliness feels overwhelming. Paula Stephens, Abby's Impact: Realizing Resilience Program Coordinator, shares essential advice to help individuals navigate this time of year when they are dealing with grief.
1. List the events you're most worried about
Often, much of our holiday grief comes from not knowing what’s going to happen or how traditions and events are going to feel differently after the loss of a loved one. So, take some quiet time to think through what specific traditions you're most concerned about.
The best way to do this is to find some time to sit quietly and connect with your breath. Once you’ve centered yourself, ask yourself the question: “What events or traditions are creating the most anxiety for me right now?” Your inner knowing has the answer. You might immediately be pulled to an event or activity. Notice how your body feels, the sensations and energy around the activity.
If nothing comes up immediately then begin to bring your thoughts to various holiday activities. Check in with each one – tree decorating, cookie exchange, for example. How does each one feel; what comes up? You might find some are more emotionally charged than others.
2. Consider which events/traditions you want to keep
Be open to the idea that some traditions you will want to wrap in love and keep, while others will need to be shelved for a while (and maybe forever). Recognize the traditions you keep will never be the same but keeping them honors the love you feel for the person you lost.
Every year will be a little bit different, and what feels right this year might not feel the same in the coming years. Grief is a process, and you must be willing to evolve with it. Always be open to what will help you move forward in your grief… and sometimes we need to go backwards to go forward! Get out your list from tip one.
Now, let’s take the next steps:
• Which events do you want to keep this year?
• Which events are too painful this year or don’t feel right?
• What or how can you modify an event?
If you're undecided on some, come back to your list again later or sit with the idea of doing that event and see what comes up. I know we can’t always control everything about the holiday seasons with family being involved, etc., but don’t worry.
3. Brainstorm how you want to honor your loved one
Even if you decide to escape the entire holiday season and fly away to Hawaii for the holidays (been there, done that!), it’s important that you take time to honor your loved one. It could be with a donation of time or money, or by creating a sacred space or a new tradition. No matter what you decide, be mindful about setting time aside to actively honor your loss. What would you like to do this year to include your loved one in the holiday season? What do you need to do to make this come to fruition?
4. Let the tears flow
Quite simply, cry. Don’t be the tough guy or girl who pretends it’s all good – because it's probably not. You’re going through a season or anniversary without someone who was a very important part of your life and coping with holiday grief is part of that. By yourself or with your besties, it doesn’t matter, just let it happen.
Another way to look at this is: are you checking in with yourself to know what’s going on emotionally and physically? Are you filling your days with busy activities to disconnect from the emotional heartache you would feel if you had a moment of downtime?
Or, perhaps, you're withdrawing from friends, family and social activities. There isn’t a right or wrong way to deal with holiday grief, but we need to be aware of our tendencies to protect ourselves or how we might fall into negative coping strategies. Sometimes a good cry is a better reset than the work we put into avoiding our reality. So, if you need a good cry, have one.
5. Tell friends and family how you're feeling
Family and friends might not know exactly which activities you’ll struggle with; what might be hard and/or memorable to them might not be the same for you. Generally speaking, they will want to support you, especially with managing your grief during the holiday season. But you're the only one who knows what you need and how you're feeling, so don’t make it harder for them by expecting them to guess what this is like for you.
We all experience grief differently, so share your fears, concerns and desires. Express what’s important to you or how you would like to handle a specific event. It doesn’t mean you'll always get what you want or need, but it means that you have given voice to your grief and honored your process.
6. Prioritize your self-care
There's no more important time to focus your energy on self-care than during the holidays. Lack of sleep, poor food choices, increased alcohol consumption, decreased exercise and increased stress all add up to a massive grief hangover!
Your emotional self is already on overdrive, and this will leave your immune system susceptible to illness and your physical body exhausted. Make hydration, sleep, whole foods, stress management and exercise a priority leading up to and including any seasonal events. Care for yourself by eating a healthy breakfast, drinking more water, going to bed 30 minutes early, journaling, being outside, connecting with nature, and skipping that second (or third) drink at a party!
7. Manage your energy
This is a continuation of the last tip. Even if you are taking care of yourself, notice when your tank is getting close to empty. This is especially important if you're the type of person who likes to stay busy to keep their mind off things. Exhaustion (physical and emotional) is often the root cause of emotional meltdowns. And, as you know, grieving is emotionally exhausting by itself, then you add the emotional stress of the holidays, and your tank is already half empty!
So, remember that it’s OK to say ‘no’ to events, or change your ‘yes’ to a ‘no’ at the last minute if you notice you're not feeling up to the task. List three ways you know you’re getting low on energy (i.e., irritable, fatigue, craving sugar/caffeine). Now list three ways you can fill your tank (i.e.: nap, take a bath, journal, read a book).
8. Prioritize work/social events
The holidays are an especially busy time of year for extra parties and events – work, neighborhood and family are examples. Take time to choose only one or two events that are important for you to attend. These might be required for your job or things you just simply don’t want to miss.
Be mindful about your selection and take your time to RSVP. For social events that you might have attended with your loved one, ask yourself if you're ready for that situation. Imagine yourself in that environment. Who will be at the event? What will it be like to attend?
Then, have an exit strategy! If it’s required that you attend, or you feel like you ‘should’ go, make sure you have a plan for getting out if things get too difficult. This might be driving a separate car or letting the host know you will not be staying long.
9. Build time in for you
As you're planning your social events, make sure you put ‘me time' on the calendar. Whether that's to get out into nature and hike, get a massage, read a book, take a bath, it doesn’t matter – just build in time to recharge your batteries. This could also include making time to be with close friends or family that help you feel connected and loved. Be sure to reach out to these people and let them know you might need some support during the holiday season.
Write a list of the people you can connect with and/or activities that soothe your soul. And, again, since people aren’t mind readers, let people know you're taking care of yourself by scheduling time to reflect and recharge.
10. Give back
One of the most amazing ways to cope with your grief during an anniversary or holiday season is to make it a little better for someone else. Unfortunately, there's so much suffering around the holidays – in this we are not alone. Donate to a charity in your loved one’s name. Give your time to helping others. Buy a gift for someone in a hospital or nursing home. Pay for the person behind you at Starbucks. Volunteer your time. The options for random acts of kindness are endless. Take a look at our 12 ways to give article for suggestions about how to support JFS and our community.
By applying these strategies, you can work to manage your grief throughout the holiday season and beyond.
Paula Stephens is the Abby’s Impact Program Coordinator at JFS, which is our learner-centered mental health education program that provides a framework for dealing with daily stress and life’s struggles. It offers participants evidenced-based resources and tools to facilitate resilience so they can build their own mental health toolboxes. Learn more about Abby’s Impact and how it can help you.